Silence

   It's been two hours and he still hasn't actually spoken to me.... we get to the apartment and he undresses and goes straight to bed without saying a word.... every night he totally undresses, but tonight he left his underwear on.... so I left everything on, not like it would matter if I was dressed or not anymore to him... I could probably go outside to the van and he wouldn't have even notice anymore.... I asked what was wrong and I get nothing in return except him shaking his head "no." I just.... idk... I want to cry, but idk.... he's mean in his actions and it makes me want to shrink down, hide under the covers and cry...... all the time, now.... I'm so... depressed.... but it's still about how he feels and how he doesn't get what he wants..... he needs to be medicated or something.... I could be surrounded by people and I would still feel such immense pain and loneliness that I'd feel like my body could crumble... I sometimes wish that I could cut a few times, at least on my legs, just to help out with my emotions.... I could have said something to the dr. Yesterday,  but I couldn't... I couldn't get myself to admit to me feeling so damn low..... it's difficult enough just admitting it to Brys, let alone someone I've only met three times in my life.... I feel so lost and confused.... I feel like I'm a fool and really everything I'm believing in is just a big lie now.... like I have to try so hard to make it something that'll never be anymore. .. honestly... idk, I wouldn't be surprised if he met someone new to get his mind off of me.... joel says he has to much to lose for him to do that, especially "because he has me," but I don't really see it that way.... I'm nothing special at all, even more so now... I'm useless and pretty much wasted space and time..... he wouldn't lose much at all.....
   I just want attention. ... and it seems like that's going to be so impossible for me to ever actually get, even more so because I only want his attention and it feels I'm never going to get that again :'(   I'll just hide in my bed like I always do and be out of his way like he wants... Idk what else to do.... I'm just so unbelievably useless. ...