Silence

   It's been two hours and he still hasn't actually spoken to me.... we get to the apartment and he undresses and goes straight to bed without saying a word.... every night he totally undresses, but tonight he left his underwear on.... so I left everything on, not like it would matter if I was dressed or not anymore to him... I could probably go outside to the van and he wouldn't have even notice anymore.... I asked what was wrong and I get nothing in return except him shaking his head "no." I just.... idk... I want to cry, but idk.... he's mean in his actions and it makes me want to shrink down, hide under the covers and cry...... all the time, now.... I'm so... depressed.... but it's still about how he feels and how he doesn't get what he wants..... he needs to be medicated or something.... I could be surrounded by people and I would still feel such immense pain and loneliness that I'd feel like my body could crumble... I sometimes wish that I could cut a few times, at least on my legs, just to help out with my emotions.... I could have said something to the dr. Yesterday,  but I couldn't... I couldn't get myself to admit to me feeling so damn low..... it's difficult enough just admitting it to Brys, let alone someone I've only met three times in my life.... I feel so lost and confused.... I feel like I'm a fool and really everything I'm believing in is just a big lie now.... like I have to try so hard to make it something that'll never be anymore. .. honestly... idk, I wouldn't be surprised if he met someone new to get his mind off of me.... joel says he has to much to lose for him to do that, especially "because he has me," but I don't really see it that way.... I'm nothing special at all, even more so now... I'm useless and pretty much wasted space and time..... he wouldn't lose much at all.....
   I just want attention. ... and it seems like that's going to be so impossible for me to ever actually get, even more so because I only want his attention and it feels I'm never going to get that again :'(   I'll just hide in my bed like I always do and be out of his way like he wants... Idk what else to do.... I'm just so unbelievably useless. ...

I stress... but nobody would even know it...

I guess I can understand why... I'm a homemaker and soon-to-be housewife and stay at home mum.... I do nothing all day except for doing my best to get out of bed, eat, and clean. ... the challenges I face seem so minute,  which I wish they were. I wish people wouldn't make pregnancy seem like such a fantastic thing; I mean you throw in insomnia, anemia, exhaustion, starving, weak, and being babied all the time on top of everything else going on and you pretty much cunoozled your way into a nine month stay in hell. Don't get me wrong, the kicking is cute and wonderful,  hearing the heartbeat is immaculate, and seeing/feeling our beautiful daughter grow inside me is so indiscribable. It's always nice to think that in a few months I'll be holding a little mini me, who will need me and appreciate my everything.
    It's difficult going about my day feeling unappreciated and also maybe a little unloved as well.. Brys hung up on me today and not because we were arguing, but because I was talking.... it really hurts that he did it, even more so that he admitted that it was because I was "talking too much" I only talked about the plant and was done. .. I just don't understand how people can do that to others, especially loved ones.... it honestly makes me feel even more alone knowing he doesn't even want to hear me ramble on about stupid things.... I've got no one else to really talk to.... and I feel like I'm just falling down a very deep man hole meant specifically for me to keep everyone away....
Whenever brys gets home I get really excited, maybe we can actually do something. .. together. But then he puts me in my place and I go back to laying in bed, stuck looking through the Internet for hours on end... I should be use to this, even more because it's just like Otosan (my dad), his work comes first,  he comes second, his tomatoes third, hobbies forth, everything else whenever he has the chance.... Brys is like that, but it's himself,  his shed, his bio family,  his smokes, his life, then whatever else he has time for.  We've only made love 3 times this month. .. I'm surprised I even got that.... I guess I've just totally lost my luster.... just not appealing to him anymore... I can understand why.... I'm fat, ugly, and pregnant... what's worse than that? Oh I know,  having to see it every day.... :(
  I really do feel trapped and alone sometimes.... it's like I'm being punished for something I'm in zero control over.... I feel so lost and confused. ... I do so much for him and all I get in return is.... nothing really... I'm depressed,  and it's not because of hormones,  but because I've pretty much been left to fend for myself. .. when I can't even do that. ... I just want to cry all the time.... I just... idk.... I'm breaking down so slowly. ... I could handle my friends up and leaving, but him leaving emotionally is disastrous. .... it's like he doesn't look at me the same, I don't get touched the same as I use to.... talking, only about important subject like money... I feel like I'm just a thing taking up his space in this world. .... who really know if it's true or just something I'm imagining.... I hope I'm wrong...... if I didn't have a child growing inside me.... I'd off myself so quickly,  take the pain away, take his frustrations out, be free of me forever and always. ... least then he could find someone who will always have his heart locked on her.... I don't feel loved anymore..... I feel broken and lonely...... worst of all.... every night for the past few weeks, I lie next to him praying something will change and then cry myself to sleep. ... idk what I think anymore. ... I want real us time... not him and his shed while I hide in the room time.... is there something wrong with me..? I just... I don't understand anymore... I feel like the only one who likes being around me anymore is the cat. ... who knows... I'm gunna go.... probably tell brys a little about what's going on tomorrow when he's awake... maybe it'll change something. ...